My First Kiss Made My Nose Bleed- And Taught Me Everything About Healing Trauma

How I unconsciously pushed the perfect guy away when I was 16, what it taught me about trauma & conditioning that sabotages your dream life, & how I learned to heal my nervous system.

I was sitting on top of his lap feeling the swirl of hot water jetting around our bodies in the hot tub. His arms felt smooth and strong wrapped around my waist while my heartbeat was off to the races (…oh no did you subscribe to an aspiring romance novel author in disguise!? Too late, can’t leave now muahahaha 😋..)

Our eyes were closed and I was happily focused on this strange new sensation of lips and tongue exploring my mouth.

I was 16 and I was experiencing my first kiss in high school with the most handsome, kind, intelligent, playful, charismatic boy that I could have POSSIBLY hoped to share a first kiss with.

I had dreamt of this moment for about a year… oh you better believe it. You remember how insane teenage hormones were right?

Then blood started seeping out of my nose. I pulled away in slight embarrassment, but assured him that out of all the reasons I had ever gotten a nosebleed, this one was the best. We laughed and I jumped out of the hot tub so I could shove some tissues into it.

Later that evening, he kissed me again for my second first kiss of the night. I pulled away from his driveway on cloud 9. I immediately called my best friends over for a 2am celebration PARTAY at my house where E.V.E.R.Y. bean would be spilled & E.V.E.R.Y. detail would be replayed for their imagination to lap up.

I was so excited that my life was about to change big time! My first boyfriend, gah! I imagined what the future would be like…

We would snuggle around the bonfire on epic camping adventures with our friends, I would wear his football jersey, he would bring me flowers, I would leave him surprise homemade cookies in his locker… It was going to be an epic high school romance 😍.

Then over the next few days and weeks I slowly watched myself in horror as I unconsciously pushed him away until he didn’t come up to talk to me at school anymore. Whoa… What just happened?

I was so disheartened and frustrated with myself. “This isn’t what happens in the movies. Once you succeed at getting the guy, your life permanently gets better not immediately plateaus and reverses! WTF is wrong with you Annika!?” ← is how I talked to myself back then.

Well, I would later come to learn that I was conditioned by the men in my family to love in a dysfunctional way. I confused abandonment, emotional unavailability, & belittlement for love so I created distance out of pure habit, until he put his hands up in surrender and left.

I had ZERO intentions of treating this amazing boy that way… My nervous system was simply conditioned to. But I had no idea what nervous systems or conditioning was at the time, I just knew I felt trapped by my own brain and behavior. I desperately wanted to have sovereignty over my destiny, not be at the mercy of the trauma I was subjected to.

Why couldn’t I handle the intimacy of his presence and kindness?

It took me years to figure out how to finally let in real love. I unfortunately never “got him back”. And it was truly a good thing that I didn’t. Instead what I “got” was something so much more precious. Self-realization. Empowerment. An affinity for cliche words…

Anyways, the silver lining here, was that he (along with many other factors) unknowingly fanned the flames of a voracious 2 decade long personal and professional exploration into the world of behavior, nervous systems, body-based healing tools, habit reprogramming, and understanding the arc of transformations. He gave me the gift of a profession lol. How wonderful.

Since then, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed and sustained many experiences of kindness, love, & intimacy in my life because I taught my nervous system how to receive it.

My current partner actually has many characteristics of this sweet 16 yr old boy and I can RECEIVE his love in spades and GIVE it in spades!

I cherish my partners’ eye contact, I can be vulnerable, we can easily talk about and move through hard things, we respect one anothers’ boundaries, shower one another with authentic compliments. We truly want the best for one another, we can be as playful as children, as well as feel the timeless depth of one anothers’ souls.

I’ve transmuted so much pain from the dysfunctional patterns and infidelity that broke apart my parent’s relationship. I don’t have to be a victim to the cards I inherited.

And despite what was a devastating failure to my 16-year-old self, My 35-year-old self now trusts that the universe will always give you second, third, ninth, twentieth chances to conquer your demons.

It’s usually never with the same person, but with new people who strangely remind you of them 🤔

As long as you do your work to heal, integrate, and try again, you will get endless opportunities to transform and “get the girl” or “get the job” or “get the shiny thing”.

Of course the real reward is never the trophy, it’s the unshakeable confidence and self-love you will gain from becoming whole and transmuting bull kaka into gorgeously overpriced farmers market bouquets.

If you DON’T learn how to do this work, then the beautiful chances life gives you start to feel like some hellish version of groundhogs day, where you are tortured by the same failure over and over again, and get deeper entrenched in your own stories of not being good enough. I’ve been there too. It’s disheartening AF.

Every client I’ve worked with has the same story as my failed high school romance. The plot is always different but the culprit is ALWAYS the same.

The trauma and conditioning we inherit always slide tackles us before we get to home base. Or even 3rd, 2nd, or 1st base for that matter. (And no this is not a sexual innuendo, it’s a life innuendo.)

So what do you do if you are trying to build a business but the abandonment you experienced from your mother causes you to unconsciously turn away new client leads because they sense you are desperate for their validation?

Traditional business advice says “Harder! More!” as in persistence is the key to securing more leads and bigger success. But deep down you know persistence is not your problem. You’re hitting an invisible glass ceiling within your psychology.

• Well, the solution is to heal the mother wound in your nervous system, which will restore self-worth and confidence, which leads to successful sales conversations.

The games we play in our human lives are all illusions. It may seem like the goal is to succeed at business, but on a soul level, the truth is that the business is a game, a vehicle, a dangling carrot, to get you to learn how to love yourself exquisitely. Are you awake to how your soul gets you to learn?

What might happen to your business if you loosened your vice grip on succeeding the way you think you need to succeed? Who would you be if you had no fear of failing because you knew what the REAL game and the REAL work here was about?

Let’s consider another example.

What do you do if that chronic illness is not getting better because your father didn’t financially support you, so you learned to never ask anyone for any help?

Traditional health advice says to eat as clean as possible, but deep down you know nutrition is not your problem. You’ve already tried that, plus medication, plus acupuncture, plus cold plunging and none of it is working. You’ve hit an invisible glass ceiling.

• Well, the solution is to heal the father wound and learn how to ask for help. Which restores your sense of being supported in this world, which allows you to stop compulsively making decisions to run yourself to the ground, which leads to your immune system being finally equipped to heal your body

Healing your trauma and conditioning though is not easy.

People WANT the solution to be way more tangible, so they look for external solutions to internal problems.

You can’t just buy salve from the Rite Aid store to heal these kinds of wounds.

Eating a healthier diet won’t solve your unworthiness wound.

Setting goals in your business won’t solve your abandonment wound.

Manifestation/Vision boards won’t circumnavigate your PTSD.

Most people who are overwhelmed at the idea of healing these wounds go the “ostrich head in the sand” route. They…

• Settle for a dysfunctional life & suffocate their dreams

• Pretend these problems don’t exist and unconsciously spew their shadows all over their partners, children, and coworkers

• Cope through addictions or bury themselves in worlds of fantasy

Those of us (most likely you if you’re reading this!) who DO have the courage to face our wounds, feel like we are navigating the Wild Wild West in search of solutions. So much time and energy goes into exploring healing solutions that don’t quite work. For example,

• Talk therapists help validate your feelings but don’t know how to heal your nervous system or teach you how to repattern behaviors or habits

• Peak experience workshops, festivals, or retreats are sold to you as “transformation” but they offer no integration and fade the moment you get back to your real life

• Yoga, breathwork, or meditation classes help you accept and cope with the fucked up social and economic systems we live in, but don’t teach you how to CHANGE them so you don’t have to keep recovering from their toxicity.

In my 20 years of exploring nutrition, meditation, yoga, tantra, dance therapy, somatic experiencing therapy, breathwork, cold plunging, theta brainwave healing, darkness retreats, fasting, eye gazing, existential kink, non-violent communication, behavior and habit reprogramming, psychedelic journeys, attachment theory, project management, system building blah di blah freaking blah..

I’ve encountered the best of the best teachers and practices out there, the worst of the worst, and a whole lot of sloppy mediocre-ness.

Healing Nervous System trauma and conditioning is hard enough. I built “The Road Home” so that I could distill the best practices and tools for you so that you don’t have to spin your wheels in confusion.

• You can finally overcome the barriers to love, career, & health that have been holding you back, and stop believing the self-deprecating stories your mind makes up

• You can stop wondering if you are being misguided and fully focus on your transformation knowing the best tools and guidance has got your back

• You can be empowered in understanding all the pieces that go into the process of transformation so you can replicate success over and over again (learn how to fish instead of being given fish, so to speak)

I’ve helped people

• Switch careers so that they are finally appreciated and valued in their zone of genius, make more money, and secure a healthier work-life balance

• Heal from being kicked out of religious cults and find belonging in healthy community again

• Overcome stage fright

• Design a fulfilling life after retirement and learn how to relax & play after decades of hyper-productivity

• Manifest a loving partner after dysfunctional relationships or abuse

• Heal from chronic allergies and celiac

• Recover mental health after PTSD and panic attacks

• Make the leap from soulless jobs into meaningful entrepreneurship

There is no area of life that this knowledge can’t touch and transform.

Your desires for a fulfilling life are precious. They do NOT deserve to be snuffed out, ignored, or shelved.

The potential you feel deep down inside for the person you are meant to become deserves to be nurtured, believed in, and enthusiastically supported. You do NOT deserve to be at the mercy of dysfunctional families or systems who don’t see, cherish you, or feed off of your disadvantages.

If you are feeling curious about how I can help you through a big life transition (career, health, relationship) make a big change in your behaviors/habits, or overcome trauma, I have a 3 month 1:1 “Master Your Nervous System, Master Your Life” customized coaching program available to support you

—> Book a free 40 min “no sales pressure” consult here to find out more about it

—> Want to experience what coaching with me is like without fully committing? Schedule a 2.5hr Intro session for not $375 but an affordable $75 here

(Why so affordable you might be wondering? Because giving you an EXPERIENCE of how this work works and why, is a million times more effective than talking about it. So I want to remove as many barriers to transformation as possible for you!)

And if you’re like “Nah I just want to stick around & get to know you first” and want to sample this body of work better, great! This Substack will be your homebase for…

• Podcasts with downloadable meditation & homework so you can DIY some of your nervous system healing and transformation

• Revolutionary insights/articles into the nature of consciousness

• Funny/devastating/interesting personal stories

• Invitations to events and workshops

Lastly, I just want to say, I hope you’ll find the value and support here that you are looking for. I know you came to this planet to not just exist but to have a remarkable life, however you may define that. And I believe we deserve to fulfill those visions god damnit!

I believe in you, and your epic journey. Cheers to navigating your personal road home to the fulfilling life you know deep down you were born to live!

Warmly,

Annika Knepper

P.S.

1. Want to start training in the basics of Nervous System Mastery? Start by learning in this FREE VIDEO SERIES how to disarm the primal mechanism of “needing to belong” from being leveraged against you, increase neuroplasticity, transmute intense negative emotions, & expand your nervous systems capacity to expect good things. Overcoming all negative conditioning we inherit starts HERE.

2. And if you wanna know more about me and my crazy foray into this world of Nervous Systems & Transformation, read all about my wild, decade+ long underground Tantra experiment I was a part of.